Health Problem

1st. Draft 2nd. Draft
J:   Hi! Chris, nice to see you’re here.
 
C:  Hi, Johnny! Long time no see. How is everything?
 
J:   I’m fine. And you? How have you been?
 
C:  So so. I felt a little tired recently. My grandpa was sick.
 
J:  Oh! What’s up? Did he get heavy illness?
                                     1. rph
C:  He was developed lung cancer and was hospitalized.
             2. papf
J:  Wow…It’s a big illness…
                   3. wu
C: Hmm…The lung cancer was a kind of special illness. It broke
                           4.present tense (pt)  5.wu                 6.pt
    out because of the normal cell was suddenly changed
             7.conj                          8.pt        
    into cancer cell. The lung cancer was one of the serious
                                                 9. pt               10.wu
    illness in our country. I hope my grandpa could be OK.
 
J:  I hope your grandpa will be better soon.
 
C:  In fact, I have got an usual problem recently.
                                   11.ww
J:  What?
    12.im
C:  Hmm… I’m a little shy to say it.
 
J: Oh! Are you OK? Is it serious? What can I do to help?
         13.im, rph      14.im, rph
C: Recently, because the weather is moist so I have got the
                                                  15.wu
    athletic foot. It is terrible that my foot are too itchy to
                                                  16.agr
    endure and very dirty. It made me feel suck.
                                     17.t, agr         18. sp
J:  It sound terrible, do you have any methods to heal it?
                    19.put 20. cap
C: I think I will be OK but it needs some time.
 
J:  We should take care our own dietetic hygiene. Taiwan
                      21. wi               22. ww               23. wi
     people usually get these two illness.
                                   24.rph
C:  Ya!  So we have to take care our health.
   25.rph                   26.rph
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Score:  55
J:  Hi! Chris, nice to see you’re here.
 
C:  Hi, Johnny! Long time no see. How is
 
     everything?
 
J:  I’m fine. And you? How have you been?
 
C:  So so. I felt a little tired recently. My grandpa
 
     was sick.
 
J:  Oh! What’s up? Is he seriously ill?
 
C:  He had developed lung cancer and was
 
     hospitalized.
 
J:  Wow…It’s a serious illness…
 
C:  Hmm…The lung cancer is a kind of deadly
 
     illness. It breaks out when the normal cell is
 
     suddenly changed into cancer cell. The lung
 
     cancer is one of the life-threatening illness in
 
     our country. I hope my grandpacould be OK.
 
J:  I hope your grandpa will be better soon.
 
C:  In fact, I have got an unusual problem recently.
 
J:  What is it? 
 
C:  Hmm… I’m a little shy to say it.
 
J: Oh! I won’t laugh at you. If you don’t say it,
 
    it's going to stay with you forever. Tell me
 
     what can I do to help.  
 
C: Recently, because the weather is wet so I have
 
    got the athletic foot. It is so terrible that my
 
    feet are too itchy to endure and they become
 
    very dirty. It makes me feel sick.
 

J:  It sound terrible. Do you have any methods to    

 
     heal it?  
 

C: I think I will be OK but it needs some time.

 
J:  We should take care of our own personal 
 
     hygiene. People in Taiwan  usually have
 
     troubles with their skin.
 
C:  Indeed! Health is very important.  
 
Score:   75

 

Explanation
1 說到 My grandpa was sick. 聽說的人關心地問到: “ Did he get heavy illness?作者的意思是::他得了嚴重的疾病嗎? 在文法上沒有錯, 但這樣的說法, 聽起來有些不禮貌, 好像幸災樂禍的樣子. 其實換個方式, 可以更清楚地表達關心, “他的病嚴重嗎?”  Was he seriously ill?
2 個人生病了, 說話中不帶被動的語氣, 因此不用被動式 但可以說He develops lung cancer. 這件事是幾個月前已經發生的事, 而且病情已經得到控制, 所以可以用過去完成式(past perfect tense): 他得了癌症He had developed lung cancer. 一個人生病了, 如果要知道得了什麼病, 動詞通常用getdevelop; get 用法比教口語化, develop用法比教正式.
3 重的疾病或病得嚴重: a serious illness seriously ill . “big illness” 用法極為不妥. 雖然在中文裡, 我們可以說大 (big) 病一場. 像這樣思維方式, 又犯了用中文文法來思考英文語意的錯誤. 記得當用英文表達時, 就用英文思考, 也就是英文文法及邏輯, 不要將兩種語言的思考方式交叉使用.
4 日常生活裡, 我們談話的內容, 常提到生活上的事實, 例如癌症是一種絕症會致人於死, 既是事實, 所以在時態裡(tense), 用現在簡單式就可以了. The lung cancer is a kind of deadly disease.
5 病有嚴重的病或會致死的病 (deadly disease), 但我們不會說special disease, 因為生病又不是百貨公司在特賣(special offer) 或特價 (special discount), 即使在中文裡, 我們也不會說癌症是一種特殊的疾病, 這聽起來好像癌症是一種因某些為社會道德所不能接受而生的病.
6 疾病的爆, 動詞用 to break out; 名詞用outbreak,  例如SARS outbreak (SARS 疫情爆發). 同理 敘述事實( 正常細胞突然變成癌細胞這是人人都知道的事實), 所以動詞用現在式不用過去式
7 作者用一個因果關係的子句來陳述一項事實, 那就是: 正常細胞突然變成癌細胞 (Normal cells are suddenly changed into cancer cells.). 那麼連接詞 because是用 來連接 的主要子句及 的附屬子句.  如果要用because of 那麼要設法把子句改成名詞片語: It breaks out because of the sudden change from normal cells to cancer cells. 此處的名詞片語是作介係詞of的受詞.
8 陳述一項事實, be動詞用現在式不用過去式. Normal cells are changed into caner cells
9, 10 癌症在我國是重大疾病的一種 (Cancer is one of the serious illnesses in our country.) 陳述一項事實was 改成現在式 “is”. 另外 serious 固然用得不錯, 但比起致人於死的疾病, 在用字上還比不上life-threatening在語意上用得準確.
11 usual problem 應是unusual problem,  意指不尋常的問題,  但具有不好的暗示. 事實上, athletic foot (香港腳), 只是皮膚受到黴菌感染, 適當就醫, 並注重個人保健, 就可痊癒, 並非見不得人的事, 所以用embarrassing 比較貼切, embarrassing常用來表達尷尬或不好意思的感覺, 不會招來聽者異樣的眼光
12 What? 什麼? 在說話的時候我們說得很快時, 就會用縮減字句的方式, 但這樣會給人不禮貌的感覺, 尤其街頭語言(street language) 是一種非正式的說法, 往往給人一種欠缺思慮的印像; 然而正式的說法是What is it? (it指得是這個embarrassing problem.) 這樣的說法聽起來不是比較文雅? 不像What? 聽起來那樣唐突!
13, 14 前面提到有一個不好意思說出來的問題, 如果聽者緊接著反問Are you OK? (你怎麼了?) 意思指你沒有能力去解決問題, 但通常我們不會說出來, 以避免尷尬,反而我們可以體會他的感覺, 善體人意地說: “我瞭解你的處境, 我不會笑你; 請你說出來我好幫你.” (I won’t laugh at you. If you don’t say it, it’s going to stay with you forever. Tell me what can I do to help.) 所以改寫一下, 加入你的貼切看法, 也就是對對方的尊重, 會讓彼此的溝通更順暢與祥和.
15 moist 潤濕, 有滋潤的意思; 對健康有好處, 例如skin moisturizer(潤膚乳液)用來保護皮膚.  wet意思是 潮濕 “, 不利於人體健康, 潮濕的氣候容易引起皮膚病.
16 因為用了複數動詞, 意指兩隻腳都癢, 所以foot改為feet. 反之如果是一隻腳癢, 保留foot, 但動詞改為單數is.
17 前面的動詞, 都用現在式, 因為都是在描寫目前的遭遇, 所以過去式, 改為現在式
18 suck 應該是一個spelling mistake. “ to feel sick”: (又癢又髒) 令我不舒服
19 It sounds terrible. 一個獨立的句子以句點結束
20 Do you have any methods to heal it? 一個獨立的句子 第一個字的第一個字母要大寫 所以19 20 事實上是兩個句子代表兩件事.
21 片語take care of 在處可以翻譯成  注意
22 注意麼呢? 個人衛生 personal hygiene. dietetic diet的形容詞, 與飲食有關, 飲食衛生dietetic hygiene 飲食治療(食療) dietetic treatment. 皮膚病往往與個人衛生personal hygiene有關, 例如保持室內空氣清潔乾燥, 防止細菌滋生, 或常洗澡, 穿乾淨的衣服等, 與吃乾淨的食物或吃什麼食物無關.
23 住在台灣的人正確的說法是 people (living) in Taiwan.  Taiwan people 聽起來有岐視的意思
24 get these two illnesses 得到這兩種疾病. 兩種疾病: 一是肺癌, 一是皮膚病, 為了提醒聽者, 再把兩種疾病的名稱說出來, 並且作為新句子的主詞, 說明是住在台灣的人通常得()的疾病. Lung cancer and skin disease are the two diseases people in Taiwan usually get.
25 Ya 容易脫口而出, 但由又是街頭語言, 聽起來有些輕浮, 缺乏自信, indeed, 聽起來有自信多了, 也反映出個人的同意是經過審慎的考慮, 非一味盲從.
26 So we have to take care our health. 文法上沒有錯, 但聽起來咬文嚼字的, 倒不如說: Health is very important. 簡潔而有力.