跟隨選單

[Paragraph Development] [Outline] [Summary]
[Essay Question]

Example: Discuss how educational system in Japan reflects its culture.

First Draft

The race in Japan somehow makes the world think that they are very strict on everything they do, never except for education. Good educated means they’ll find better job in the future. In other hand, the amount of daily money using in Japan is high, so all of them want to make more money as possible as they can. It’s a little bit same situation like us in Taiwan. Because they know that with highly education, you can judge things more correctly and can think twice before doing something. Also you can learn more professional knowledge which can fit your interest. By the way, highly education can also make your mind and mental grow up. Due to those factors, Japanese think highly about education.

Paragraph Analysis

Japanese are regarded very strict in everything they do including education.

Topic Sentence

Good education means they’ll find better jobs in the future. On the other hand,

Major Support (Reason 1)

daily necessities cost high in Japan. People there want to make more money so

Minor Support

that they can afford their needs. The situation is the same as ours in Taiwan.

irrelevant

Japanese think highly of education because they know with higher education one

Major Support (Reason 2)

can think twice before doing and judge things correctly. In addition, they can learn

more professional knowledge which can fit your interest. Finally, education

Major Support (Reason 3)

makes one’s mind grow mature and sophisticated. Due to these factors, Japanese

Conclusion

think highly about education.

Explanation

From this analysis, we know that the writer gave four reasons to explain why Japanese think education is very important to their young people. However, only the first reason was given an example to explain why Japanese need good education to find good jobs. This is because living cost in Japan is very expensive. About the other three reasons, they are just major support (second degree support) not clear enough to explain these reasons. For instance, what does it mean that Japanese know with higher education one can think twice before doing and judge things correctly? This may happen to a person with good education when they are making important decisions. So the writer needs to invent an example as a minor support (third degree support) to explain the concept. Further examples are also required by reasons 3 and 4. The revised draft is as the one below.

Revised Draft

Japanese are regarded very strict in everything they do including education. Good education means they’ll find better jobs in the future. Daily necessities cost high in Japan. People there want to make more money so that they can afford their needs. Japanese think highly of education because they know with higher education one can think twice before doing and judge things correctly. For instance, when making important decision like buying a vehicle, a well-educated person is less likely to make mistake by paying more to buy a poor quality car compared with one who has little education and knows less about automobile industry. In addition, they can learn more professional knowledge which can fit their interest. In competitive workforce, well-educated people are more more knowledgeable about the change of society. It is easy for them to know what new things to learn and they are interested in many things. For instance, a scientist could be interested in art, music, modern management, and so forth. They view things in broader way and develop their career to fulfill their personal satisfaction. Finally, education makes one’s mind grow mature and sophisticated. A well-educated person is confident, thoughtful, and tough so he or she knows how to handle difficult situations. Normally, they lead healthy and happy life. Due to these factors, Japanese think highly about education.

Comments

By adding details of the minor support to explain the idea about the major support ( the four reasons for the importance of good education), the topic is thus elaborated with strong support of significant information which is considered satisfactory when the writing is graded.